Therapy 101: Feeling emotions
Would you like to know one of the most underrated skills to learn in therapy?
Learning to feel less afraid about emotions- especially the ones that are physically uncomfortable like sadness, anger, fear.
So many human behaviors can be explained by just this one theme… we will go to immense lengths in order to avoid FEELING something.
We numb emotions, we distract from emotions, we rationalize ourselves out of emotion, we minimize them, we pep talk ourselves out of having them, or we criticize ourselves away from feeling them. Link this human tendency with cultural views like, “emotions make us weak” and you have a double whammy. You don’t want to feel your emotions and no one else wants you to either.
Feeling emotions is like riding a wave.
Unfortunately, if you feel an emotion building and consistently avoid it, you could find yourself bursting at the seams with a lifetime full of unprocessed feelings. This can take a toll on our mental and physical health. Furthermore, the longer we avoid something, the bigger our fears become.
Here’s the good news- emotions aren’t bad or scary. They are an important barometer for human functioning meant to grab our attention and say “this matters, this is important, this needs attention”.
We can experience and track emotions with predictability. At the most basic level, emotions are pattern of physical sensations, like a wave that we can ride. They build up, crest at a maximum intensity and then subside. In some seasons, waves of emotion will come more frequently and in other times it will feel more like a calm sea. If you learn to take a wave at a time, you can build up your window of tolerance for emotional distress. This is a powerful coping skill that will have lifelong benefits.
In the beginning, learning to ride emotional waves sometimes requires outside help. A therapist can act as a supportive coach helping you tolerate the wave, and reminding you that it will end. A therapist also knows how to gradually help you learn the skills needed to tolerate the distressful feelings of emotions. Some preparation tools will help you so that an emotional wave doesn’t come crashing over your head too quickly or too intensely.
If having anxiety about feeling emotions sounds like something you are wanting help with, reach out! We can talk about your specific needs and make a plan to help you succeed.
Want more help with emotions?
John Mayer’s Emoji Of a Wave has a great chorus about riding the wave of heartbreak
(YouTube about sensations)